Sobota
Furt jsem mrtvá. Aspoň psychicky. Včera jsem měla jít na pokladnu, ale nakonec mi to bylo zrušeno. Ještě, že tak. Nevím jestli mám trpělivost na lidi. Spíš ne.
Budiž mi útěchou dopolední prohlídka. Je jich dost, jsou vcelku miloučký. Přes poněkud znepokojivé množství dětí, prohlídka pěkně odsejpá.
To množství dětí mě ale mělo varovat. Dětské trasy sypou jedna za druhou, takže kromě provádění navlíkám kostým služebné a šaškuju na trase pro dětičky. A nestačím se divit nad nesoudností některých rodičů. Na prohlídku pro děti od 4 do 8 let berou miminka a mají pocit, že z toho něco budou mít, nebo naopak puberťáky, kterým je celá anabáze pomalu trapnější než nám. Na naši prohlídkovou trasu by měly děti zvládat aspoň nějaké písmenka, protože je hledají v expozicích a věřte, nebo ne, geniální batole k nám ještě nezavítalo, takže prohlídky jsou vesměs velmi trapnou syntézou výkladu pro rodiče doplněnou o rozpačité pomrkávání na spící batole, kvůli kterému se tohle celé dělalo. Ach jo.
Odpolední prohlídky jsou taky fajn. Příjemná skupinka většího počtu návštěvníků, to mě vždycky baví. Nejbouřlivěji reagují na můj jinak strašně debilní vtípek:
„Zde na portrétu je nejznámější členka rodiny Habsburků – Marie Antoinetta, byť ji možná nepoznáváte, zde na portrétu má totiž ještě hlavu.“ Haha fór jak hrom, ne?
Od doby kdy vypustím tohle se jeden hrozně milej, vcelku pěknej kluk kolem osmnáctky pořád tak nejistě zubí a vypadá, jak kdyby se chtěl na něco hrozně zeptat. A ne a ne, dokud nejdojdeme do kaple a já znovu vyzvu k dotazům, protože za chvilku se rozloučíme. Hoch počká až všichni odejdou a vyrazí mi dech:
„Chcete se na něco zeptat, zajímá vás něco?
„Slečno, chcete slyšet vtip?“
A já chci, takže tady od mého milého návštěvníka jeden fórek pro vás:
Rozdíl mezi německou a rakouskou němčinou je patrný. Kupříkladu v rakouské němčině se výraz „ztratit hlavu“ často překládá jako Marie Antoinetta.
Sobota
Je mi líp. Částečně proto, že tenhle víkend sloužím v létě naposledy a jsem odhodlaná si to užít. Mimo jiné taky proto, že jsem v kreativním procesu a píšu scénáře na Buchlovské noci s Černou paní. A to mě baví.
Dětiček se zase urodilo, tentokrát už nešaškuju jenom jako komorná, ale i jako slečna průvodkyně. A zase se nám situace opakuje. Jediný koho to jakž takž zajímá je holčička, která sice hrozně chce, ale stydlivá natolik, že celou prohlídku nepromluví. Cca devítiletý chlapeček to má na salámu a ze mě má srandu a jeho pubertální sestře je celá situace jenom neuvěřitelně trapná. To jsme dvě.
Vrchol přijde v knihovně, kde dětem čteme pohádku, která jaksi skrývá pointu prohlídky. Občas necháváme děti pohádku aspoň zčásti přečíst samotné, takže se toho dneska chápe slečna. Ale!!!! Ale!!!! Ta holka neumí číst. Nejde o kvalitu uměleckého přednesu, ale o to, že polyká písmenka a celé slabiky. Nedokáže přečíst jednoduchá slova. Vyráží předložky S, Z, V, O, K. Už jsem viděla prvňáčky, kteří četli líp než tahle slečna na prahu dospělosti.
Naštěstí prohlídka zdárně končí, já se celá rozradostněná jdu spravit na Historické sály.
Ehm. Spravit. Skupinka je sice velká, dobře reaguje, ale… ALE!!!
Ve čtvrté místnosti ke mně zničehonic přijde postarší chlapík, takový dědeček a SÁHNE MI NA NOS! Úplně náhodný chlap, sáhne na nos naprosto cizí slečně, navíc před třiceti dalšíma lidma!!! Netvrďte mi, že je lidstvo v pořádku.
Moc to nevylepším ani dál, protože v prohlídce mám hromadu dětí, z nichž jeden asi šestiletý chlapeček dává okázale najevo, že se nudí. Nevyrušuje, nebo podobně, jenom ho to strašně moc nebaví.
Na trase je vystavený obraz Cornelie (matka reformátorů bratří Gracchů), která proslula svým výrokem, že její největší ozdobou jsou její děti. Když mívám v prohlídce více dětí, tak se standardně ptám, jestli něco podobného můžou říct i jejich rodiče. I dneska. A ptám se zrovna toho chlapečka, kterého to tak strašně nebaví, aby se aspoň trochu zapojil.
Chlapeček zavrtí hlavičkou, tak ho uklidním, že moje maminka to taky říct nemůže, ať si z toho nic nedělá. Následně se ke mně přitočí chlapcova babička s poznámkou:
„On totiž nemá maminku, zemřela.“
A já mám chuť narvat hlavu do stěny.
Neděle
Dneska naposledy. Dneska naposledy. Aspoň pro toto léto. Ikdyž dneska to na léto moc nevypadá, spouští se blizzard, takový, že nám teče do zámku i zavřenými okny. Vichr jedny dveře dokonce rozrazí, takže chytnu jednoho pána ze své skupinky:
„Vy vypadáte docela zodpovědně, dostanete bojový úkol. Pohlídáte mi skupinu a já za tím zavřu to okno jo? Ať nám nenaprší na obrazy.“
Podobná situace se opakuje na konci trasy, kde je okno pro změnu nezavřené a nejde ani zavřít. Mlátíme do toho dva, já i jeden angažovaný mladý návštěvník, než se nám k pobavení všech podaří to zatracené okno zavřít.
Vyjde na mě i jedno podzemí a to je právě kámen úrazu celého jinak vlastně docela fajn víkendu.
Zaprvý podzemí nikdo z nás nechodí rád. Expozice se nám nelíbí. Je tam vlho, a když prší tak je dlouhodobý pobyt v expozici vyloženě nepříjemný. Navíc na mě v Salla Terreně čeká jenom jeden chlap.
A od pohledu divnej. Mlčí, když promluví, tak je to většinou divný až strašidelný a to já jsem děvče, které jen tak něco nerozhází.
I v expozici o mučení pronáší prapodivné poznámky. Ostatní se pokouší být vtipní, nebo je to skutečně zajímá, ale tak nějak zdravě a normálně. Tenhle chlap má prostě jenom divný pohled v očích a nehezky abnormální dotazy.
Nejhorší na mě čeká v poslední části expozice, kde si mohou návštěvníci vystavené repliky osahat, vyzkoušet a podobně. Chlap si to prohlíží a pak se na mě otočí a se smrtelně vážným výrazem se zeptá, jestli si nenasadím ten roubík. Následně do mě píchne cejch a lilií (jinak určený pro prostitutky a nevěstky). A já okamžitě končím prohlídku a běžím nahoru jak kdyby mi hořelo za patama.
To nebylo 50 shades of grey, to byl markýz De Sade, jak když vyšiješ.
Jako zažila jsem toho na prohlídkách dost. Viděla jsem ještě víc. Řešila jsem skoro všechno. Ale vždycky mě překvapí, jak mě zase někdo dokáže překvapit a převést. Protože tohle, tak to se mi fakt ještě nestalo.
Možná jsem tu brigádu průvodkyně měla více zvážit. Očividně se absolutně nenudíš! 😀 Ale ten poslední chlap. Brrr.
Ten poslední chlap je fakt creepy. Myslela jsem, že jsou na prohlídkách stanoveny minimální počty návštěvníků pro uskutečnění prohlídky..?
A já myslela, že největší problém průvodců je poslouchat každý den dokola ty samé „vtipné“ poznámky návštěvníků. 😀 Poslední pán zní dost děsivě, ale mě by vykolejil i ten, co na tebe sáhnul.
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