O květnu, angličtině a tak vůbec

Je toho příliš. Příliš vjemů, příliš momentů, příliš práce. Takže květnový Deníček si musel počkat na konec měsíce, abych mohla všechno vylíčit dostatečně uceleně. A teď si přidržte klobouk, protože to byla fakt jízda.

Sobota
Hele je to neuvěřitelný, ale výjimečně jsem nezaspala já, alébrž moje nejlepší kámoška Míša. Jedu ji vyzvednout i za cenu toho, že přijedem pozdě obě, protože s kým bych si jinak dávala kafíčka. Zároveň chci využít toho, že je konečně pěkně, tak jedu vyletněná na maximální možnou míru.

Však ono se mi to vrátí!

Pod zámkem není kde zaparkovat, on zas bude nějakej event, kvůli kterýmu je omezený provoz. Hned při vystupování z auta se mi rozlepí moje báječné sandálky od Vietnamců, pravda jejich horentní pořizovací cena stopadesát káčé mi měla leccos napovědět, ale….

Takže parádu sekat nebudu, jdu hledat izolepu.

Stejně tak mi i můj štýlovej letní modýlek zabije kolega, který si mě prohlédne a zeptá se: „A tomhle budeš jako podzemí chodit jak?“ Já zapomněla!!!! Máme květen a to znamená jedinou věc, otevřené podzemí a s tím spojené prohlídky mučírny. Obracím věc ve svůj prospěch a tvrdím, že právě kvůli lehoulinké sukýnce a rozlepeným botičkám pro mě podzemí nepadá v potaz.

Celý jinak báječný den přebije protivný tatík, který na mě přijde hulákat, když hlídám výstavu Merkur:

„Pustíte nás?“
„Dobrý den, kam vás mám pustit?“
„Sem.“
„A máte vstupenku?“
„Ne.“
„Tak to se omlouvám, ale pustit vás nemůžu. Až s platnou vstupenkou.“
„A tu máme jako vzít kde, když je zavřená pokladna?!“
„Nezlobte se s tím já vám opravdu nepomůžu, polední pauza je daná zákonem.“

Nakonec za mnou utrousí ještě několik nepěkných slovíček a já si nemůžu pomoct abych si pro sebe nešeptala: „Vidíš, vidíš, kdyby ses nechoval jako debil, pozdravil, poprosil a poděkoval, tak jsi na výstavu jít mohl.“

Neděle
Dneska máme oživený. Škola Čar a Kouzel Auschwitz Austerlitz, k vašim službám. Ono to padlo už v minulém článku, ale jakmile se sejdeme dohromady, my – chlapci co spolu provádíme, tak je to peklo. Kolektivní IQ klesne na bod mrazu a nezaujatému pozorovateli by se mohlo zdát, že nás zajímá to jedno jediné (blaho našich návštěvníků, samozřejmě). Jinak si nedokážu vysvětlit následující momenty:

„A to jsi fakt viděl na Netflixu, nebo to byl Pornhub?“
„Byl to Pornflix.“
„Takže HBO?“

„Hele fakt, když koukáš na Pána prstenů a každých dvacet minut si do toho pustíš porno, máš z toho Hru o trůny.“

„Proč je nejhezčí holka na zámku David?“

Další byly vyloženě nepublikovatelné. Nepublikovatelná teda byla i moje role učitelky tělocviku, která se přirozenou genezí vyvinula v lesbickou mužatku v adidasce a s vyčesaným vodotryskem na hlavě, což je věc, kterou našemu šéfovi jen tak neodpustím. Stejně tak ale neodpustím sobě ten stupidní nápad vítat návštěvníky na svém stanovišti rychlou rozcvičkou.

Já, která vzpírám lžičky se zmrzlinou, neběžela bych ani kdyby mě honil masový vrah a zarputilým cvičencům se divím, pokuřujíc opodál. Tak já jsem za ten den naklikovala, nadřepovala, naběhala po té blbé chodbě víc než za poslední dekádu. A nakonec málem zdechla.

Neděle
Den matek! Dneska teda žádné návaly neočekávám. Oproti minulému týdnu jsem poctivě zazimovaná, abych mohla i do podzemí, ale nedočkám se. Naštěstí.
I tak mi teplejší hadry přijdou vhod, protože v baráku je zima jak v morně a zase se na nás šetří a netopí.

Prohlídkovej den začnu na historických saloncích. Se slovenským párem, který byl už předtím na hlavní trase a kolegyně mi je předávala s výmluvným výrazem. Rychle chápu proč. Do poloviny mého líčení o rytířském způsobu života, který mimo jiné zahrnoval i milostnou linku, kdy se vybrané divě rytíř platonicky dvořil, skládal jí básně, vyhrával pro ni turnaje, mi totiž milá Slovena vskočí s poznámkou: „Se nedivím, že to bolo platonické. Ty incesty to je svinstvo.“ Jakože, cože? Inu jdeme dál.

Nezbavím se jich ani po prohlídce, protože mocí mermo musí vidět všechno, projdou postupně všechny výstavy a většinou vyjdou na mě. Naštěstí na výstavách už se s nimi nemusím bavit.

U výstav si zopakujeme dramátko z miulého týdne „Slečno proč nás tam nepustíte bez vstupenky, když je pokladna zavřená.“ a já začínám mít dojem, že těm lidem nikdy nikdo nevysvětlil, že slušný vychování není nějakej bonus, který si šetříme na audienci u britské královny, ale normální věc, která se dá používat na všechny. Možná jsem průvodce, ale nejsem ničí rohožka.

Na průvodcovně si chladíme žáhu a skládáme haiku. Jakkoliv mi tenhle básnický útvar k srdci nikdy moc nepřirostl, kolegyně japanistka mě přesvědčí a bavíme se královsky.

Zájezd se řadí
ještě musí na záchod.
Průvodce trpí.

To je původní?
ptají se obezřele,
já chytám fantas.

Hluk, dav, papuče
Já chci zmizet za branou.
Není mi přáno.

Na uklidnění nervu si vymůžu poslední prohlídku se slovenským zájezdem, který se na první pohled jeví jako příjemná banda vtipných důchodců. A taky, že jo. Společně se prosmějeme trasou, na konci se tleská, děkuje, usmívá, předávají navštívenky. Na průvodcovnu dotančím v povznesené náladě, kterou mi zabije kolegyně:

„Co ti je?“
„Nic měla jsem skvělou prohlídku.“
„Proč, dostala jsi něco?“

Ty vole! Jako jestli kvalitu prohlídky poměřuješ podle dýšek, tak to je na pěst. Ale což, zaberu se do knihy a mám klid.

Středa
Dneska za mnou do Mikulova přijely kamarádky. Rychle využiju jejich jazykové schopnosti aby mi přepsaly tiskovky, protože já už jsem napsala tolik variací na téma Zámek je bezva, všichni přijďte, že už nevím jak dál. Následně se kolektivně sbalíme a mizíme do Slavkova, kde je dneska oooobr pronájem a my máme provádět anglický prohlídky.
Těším se jak malá, protože anglicky už jsem si nezaprováděla dlouho. A dost mi to chybí. Pronájem navíc mají nějací hochnobl bezpečáci, armáda, policie a podobně, takže nádvoří se hemží uniformami a to Anička může.

Jenže! Ty vole! Ta jejich organizace. Původní plán byl jasný. Míša vezme švédského velvyslance, pak já anglickou, pak Míša českou a nakonec já anglickou a v deset máme poklizeno a můžeme jet domů. Jenže člověk míní, švédský velvyslanec mění.

Prohlídka s velvyslancem se nekoná, protože šel na řízky. Posune se celý časový plán a protože Míša je proaktivní, tak jde prohlídku, pak vezme další (zatímco já si pro ně zrovna jdu po schodech nahoru, tak ona už je v půlce výkladu), pak se objeví asistentka velvyslance, že on by možná na tu prohlídku už chtěl. Tak Míša bere další anglickou a já čekám na velvyslance. A ten nepřichází. Tak se jdu přeptat dolů a slečna asistentka mi s úsměvem vylíčí, že on si to zase rozmyslel, takže pardon, ale nejde.

A já najednou zjistím, že jsem celý večer v práci na houby. Když tu se za mnou ozve tiché: „Prohlídka ještě bude?“ Chytím se toho, těch šest chlapíků co tam stojí sbalím do skupinky a jdem. Sice česky, ale jdem. Až někdy v půlce mi dojde, že je něco blbě. Ptají se, ale chytře. Mají znalostní základ, takže ví o čem mluvím. Znají prostory. Chtějí vidět sály, do kterých reáolně nemáme jít, ale o kterých oni ví. Tak já jsem místo švédského velvyslance vyžrala šest historiků!!!

Ve výsledku je to ale docela fajn, jeden se teda tváří celou dobu jak kdyby mě chtěl zabít, ale převáží to ostatní:

„To není možný. Kde teda všude pracujete?“
„No teď už jenom Slavkov, Buchlov a Mikulov.“
„Mikulov, tam pracuje ta… No Jana. Tak ji pozdravujte.“
„Ona už tam nepracuje, já jsem tam místo ní.“
„Jo tak to od vás chodí ty pozvánky?“

Kdyby nás nepřišla nahánět hosteska, že odjíždí autobusy, tam tak plkáme ještě teď.

91 komentářů u „O květnu, angličtině a tak vůbec

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