O tom jak jsem šermovala

Letos jsme se zase vydali na buchlovské noční prohlídky. Já vím, já vím, loni jsme si slíbili, že to bylo naposledy. Poplakali jsme, popili jsme, slíbili si, že se budeme scházet i dál abychom o půl roku později rozjeli akci Nočky 2021.

A těšili jsme se na noční prohlídky.

Netuším, jestli je to dlouhým lockdownem, nebo jenom stárnem, nebo jsou na vině sluneční erupce… Ale nejsou lidi. Magorů, co by chtěli za pivo a párek šaškovat dva dny a dvě noci na hradě s partou podobně postižených klaunů a hrát si na středověk, už asi moc není. Polovina stálého osazenstva nám přišla ukázat fotky z ultrazvuků (lockdown byl dlouhý a ne každý podle všeho vydrží hrát rok a půl scrabble), takže jsme měli na výběr – buď těhotná Rusalka, nebo hledat novou krev.

S podobným problémem jsme se potýkali v každé druhé cimře, včetně velkého rytířského sálu, kde účinkuje i moje maličkost. Celá naše scéna spočívá v dramatickém monologu Černé paní buchlovské, kdy popisuje jak zavraždili jejího manžela Jindřicha. Popisuje velice dlouho a velice barvitě VŠECHNY pověsti a legendy, které se za ty roky vytvořily! Mezi jednotlivými odstavci ale šermíři live předvedou dvě verze Jindřichovy smrti.
Loni jsem totiž byla já Černá paní buchlovská, zatímco mi za zadkem šermovali David s manželkou Vitou (jinak zdravé a vedoucí jádro šermířské skupiny Taurus). Ještě loni mi odmítli svěřit kord byť na podržení, řka že je to nebezpečná zbraň a to takovým nemehlům do rukou nepatří. (Měli pravdu, co si budem! :-D) Jenže letos přišla bída na kozáky a Víta těžko mohla v sedmém měsíci těhotenství předstírat že je „hejsek a prostopášník Jan Šembera“. A tak mě povolali do zbraně.

V dubnu jsem se smířila s tím, že pravděpodobně udělám z jejich potomka pohrobka, neb Davida propíchnu. Měsíc před akcí ale nenadálé zdravotní komplikace sundaly i Davida a my se ocitli v prekérní situaci. Kdo by mohl odšermovat 2 souboje, 18x za noc, 2 dny na konci července? Se mnou, která jsem v životě nedržela zbraň v ruce a jsem tak trochu vohráblo. S touto lákavou nabídkou jsme obvolávali kamarády a známé. Jeden po druhém odmítali nechat se zabít. Až kamarád Richard zaváhal a s tím, že sice za týden mají rodit, ale že se to nějak zvládne, rozhodli se se ženou přijet. Domluvili jsme strategii (hodně máchat kordem na všechny strany a VŽDYCKY mířit mimo!) a do roty zdravotníků, které máme pokaždé přítomné jsme přidaly i 2 porodní asistentky, co kdyby náhodou.

A těšili jsme se na noční prohlídky.

Večer před zahájením nočních prohlídek mi zazvonil mobil a v něm se Richard omlouval, že nepřijede. Zdravotní komplikace. Aktivovali jsme krizový mód, jinak by totiž z dramatické scény, zbyl jenom neúnosně dlouhý monolog v podstatě o ničem. Dohodli jsme se, že se vracíme k původnímu plánu, odšermuju to já s Davidem, kterého budeme celý večer poctivě hlídat, co kdyby se mu dělalo zle.

A těšili jsme se na noční prohlídky.

V pátek přišel den D. (Jako David Dneska Dokoná!) Přijela jsem a napjatě očekávala svůj školící tým. Přijeli DVĚ HODINY PŘED PRVNÍ PROHLÍDKOU! Já v nervu, že se to nenaučím a Davidova smrt je nevyhnutelná, jsem nastoupila před naprosto vyrovnaný tým Vity a Davida, kteří mi sdělili, že choreografii vymysleli ten den v autě a ne nebudeme sekat (což jsem vyhodnotila jako bezpečnější protože v případě, že se netrefím, skončí David jenom s modřinou), budeme bodat (což i se zatupenou špičkou je pořád docela risk, pamatujete? Jsem vohráblo!).

Vita popadla kord a začala mě učit techniku. Nevím, jestli jsem v životě viděla něco surreálnějšího než těhotnou máchající kordem kolem sebe. Asi ne. Vypadala skoro jako Panna orleánská, pochopitelně až na tu panenskou část. Na můj dotaz co budeme dělat, až to poseru, jsem se dozvěděla, že to nějak uhrajem.

Popadla jsem tedy dva kostýmy (protože aby toho nebylo málo mezi souboji jsem měnila hadry i pohlaví) a těšila se na noční prohlídky.

Abych shrnula dojmy z těch dvou dní… Bylo to super! Nechtěla jsem pustit kord z ruky, nejradši bych mydlila Davida celej večer, lidi nelidi, jak mě to bavilo!

Pár dětí se nám podařilo rozbrečet (nikoliv strašlivým hereckým výkonem, ale tím jak jsme se procítěně zabíjeli).

Ztratila jsem víru v lidstvo. Zase, já vím. V druhém souboji jsem totiž předstoupila k Jindřichovi jako jeho žena Kateřina, kterou on obviní neprávem z nevěry, zmlátí ji koženou rukavicí a ona popadne kord a v sebeobraně ho propíchne. V každém souboji jsem dostala tři šlupky rukavicí, perfektně si to uhrála s procítěnými výkřiky. Nevěřili byste kolik lidí se přitom smálo! Ráda bych to svedla na alkohol, nebo jiné látky, ale myslím, že to byli prostě jenom duševní mrzáci. Nejvíc se mi zaryl do paměti chlap, který nás pak obcházel a s potutelným úsměvem se ptal:

Nebolelo to? Haha.“
„Víc bolelo jak jste se smál.“
„Ale no tak.“
„Je mi líto vaší ženy.“

Na jedné z posledních prohlídek jsem naopak vylezla v kabátci, představena jako onen „hejsek a prostopášník Jan Šembera z Boskovic“ a holčička v první řadě do dramatického ticha pronesla: „Ale to je holka!“.

Nejvíc nejlepší ale byla sobotní prohlídka ve které jsem pokazila náš první souboj. Prostě jsem zapomněla vykrýt, co jsem měla, bodnout, kam jsem měla a zůstali jsme na pikovteřinu s Davidem jeden na druhého zírat, jako co bude. Protože jsme si pochopitelně nedomluvili žádné pohotovostní signály (protože koho by napadlo, že pokazím souboj o 3 výpadech, žeano… Mě jo!) zkusila jsem udělat poslední výpad, kterým Davida normálně zabiju. Jenže on ho reflexivně vykryl. Než jsem se stačila rozkoukat, tak už se otáčíme jeden kolem druhého a mydlíme do sebe… Prostě souboj jak má být v tom nejčistším slova smyslu. Za svoji techniku bych ruku do ohně nedala, ale určitě to vypadalo krásně… V jeden moment se mi ho povedlo krásně propíchnout, scéna končí a já jsem vlastně nejspokojenější s tím co se nejvíc pokazilo!

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